Archive for the ‘Spoof’ Category

Defoe claims “I didn’t want to play Champions League anyway”

September 10, 2010 Leave a comment

With the news that Tottenham and England frontman Jermain Defoe has been ruled out for 3 months, it now appears the diminutive striker will miss all 6 of Tottenham’s group matches in this seasons Champions League. Tottenham will now have to rely on part-time Stephen Merchant impersonator, part-time footballer and part-time tabloid headline maker Peter Crouch. Defoe will be severely missed by Spurs who have a tough group containing reigning champions Inter Milan, german side Werder Bremen and dutch champions FC Twente who were of course led to the elite of European competition by former manager and winner of the 2006 competition ‘So you think you can manage England?’, Steve McClaren.

Defoe, pictured practicing for his summer job with British Airways, misses out on Spurs' European adventure

Asked if he was disappointed to be missing out on his and Tottenham’s maiden campaign in the Champions League, a rather sulky and brash Defoe stated “I don’t care, who wants to play in Bremen? Nobody. I didn’t want to play in the Champions League anyway, I’m just getting into Prison Break for a start and I’d planned on watching the DVD’s on weeknight’s. This Champions League rubbish was gonna ruin everything but now I’m happy with how things have turned out” before sucking on his thumb and yelling at his yo-yo because the string kept becoming knotted. Defoe was then asked if he would be back in time for the knockout rounds should Spurs qualify to which he replied, “don’t think I need to worry about that”.

Meanwhile, Werder Bremen player Tim Borowski stated how much he was looking forward to the opening fixture with Tottenham on Tuesday September 14th. “I’m very much looking forward to meeting Darren Lamb off Extras”.


Bulgaria lose chance to register Arteta over surname complications

September 3, 2010 Leave a comment

After turning down the chance to register to play for England, international football hopeful Mikel Arteta has now refused the offer from the Bulgarian national team to come and play for them. The Bulgarian coach, Stanimir Stoilov claimed that “we offered Mikel the chance to register to play for Bulgaria having found out his parents once visited Plovdiv for a weekend 15 years ago and everything was going smoothly until the issue of the name came up”. For many years now it has been a tradition that all players who represent Bulgaria must have a surname that ends with ‘ov’. Many players have had to change their names to accommodate this tradition including Stilian and Martin Petrov whose previous surnames were the same as Chelsea stopper Petr Cech’s forname. However, the confused Everton playmaker questioned Stoilov when this was put to him.

It is understand Arteta changed his name to Artetaov for a week to ‘see how it felt’ but dour faced Everton boss David Moyes found problems with this when his star midfielder seemed to ignore him for the entire week, perplexed as to why Moyes was shouting ‘Artetaov’ in his direction. Subsequently the chance registering of Arteta to turn out for Bulgaria was lost as the player couldn’t get used to the name and claimed he wouldn’t know what was going on with the rest of his teammates having similar sounding names.

Arteta lashes out upon announcement of latest Spain squad.

Stoilov expressed his disappointment on missing out on such a talented player, “it all seemed to be going well, he enjoyed his tour round Sofia and after attending a training session he realised there would be no trouble in getting selected, it’s just a pity we couldn’t come to an agreement on the name.”

Arteta then still waits for a suitable country to represent while Spain still seems reluctant to select him on the grounds that he doesn’t play for Barcelona.